Not because I want to die, but because I want it to be far different than it is. I want all that she has. And she doesn't even know it. I'm jealous of every girl I've ever dated, simply because they're girls. I don't dare to be different. I don't do it because it's cool, impressive, or brave or anything. I'm just different. I'm far more caring than I make people think. I'm too good an actor for people to know the real me. Honestly, you people probably know me better than my family, gf, and best friends. And that either makes me really pathetic, or really lucky.

Pray for the latter yeah?

I cried myself to sleep the other night. I'm a 19 year old male? and I cry myself to sleep while listening to You Are Not Alone by Saosin. Great. Not only am I probably gay, hopefully female, and a total mindfuck, I'm emo to boot.

I miss her. She wasn't my crutch, she was my wheelchair. She was the only thing keeping me fucking together and she didn't even walk out. Just dropped of the face of the Earth. Great. Thanks girlfriend, for everything. You pulled me out of deep, dark water so many times. And you just leave me. I've said thank you too many times. I miss you goddammit. Come back to me. Save me again. Please.

This relationship is a farce. I'm just a liar and a masochist. I need to either call it off or quickly develop real feelings for this girl. god I don't want to hurt her. I don't want to hurt me either. I'm so fragile, it's not even funny. Shitty thing is, I'm an "adult" now, so I can't just lose it and go to a "hospital" for a stay. I don't know what they'd do with me. Whatever it is, I'd probably deserve it.

My life doesn't suck. I just suck at life.

Visited a friend in the hospital. Feelings are mixed about that, with where she is, but I'm glad I got to see her. I'll keep praying for her and hope for the best.

Dear Con-,

That moment after orgasm when you think I don't need you or you or you for a few seconds until the relief wears quickly - polyamory not so appealing. Moving your head side to side as polyamory shifts to thoughts of a foyer full of frumpy thick white women married to John the polygamist who has them line up and strip off their shapeless denim skirts and -- a dog thrashing his neck about until cotton stuffing bursts from the lining all about the living room berber while you're wrapping yourself up in the chintz draw curtains thinking that this would be me on my wedding day if only I were a girl meaning not a boy. A match at the base, a cat in the microwave, you're still on your way, but not here, which is what matters. Alternately sipping weak Lipton tea and sucking black Djarums like they were oxygen sticks. Says Joyce: "Once something is known it cannot be unknown, it can only be denied." The rubix-cube that is your head with stickers with faces that you turn about for each person you know, resulting in the cognitive dissonance when any of your friends want to get to know the others. "Gravity like Jupiter's." Watching me and my ribs expand and contract, pressing my fingers into the dip in my sternum and my mouth fills with saliva from the sweet pain of asphyxia. A match at the base, and the chintz draw curtain goes up in flames.

Sincerely, unconscious

Dear You,
You seriously have the balls to interrupt me when I'm talking and go, "Eh haha I don't really care"? REALLY?! You're a fucking asshole. I listen to you talk about your friends. I listened to you talk about breaking up with a girl even though it made my heart sink and killed me inside. It made me sick to my stomach, but I STILL listened. I listen to you talk about video games I have no interest in for hours each day. I listened to you when you called me at 4 AM drunk out of your mind after getting into a fight. You know why I listen? Because I give a shit about you. And even if I'm not interested in what you're saying, I'll still listen. We don't like all the same things, we don't have the same friends.. but at least give me the fucking courtesy of listening when I talk. I don't interrupt you and go, "I don't really care about that." You are such a selfish dick. When I barely talked to you last year, back when we first started talking, you begged me to talk. About anything. Now that I'm comfortable with you and talk to you, you're going to say you don't care when I talk about something? I don't even know if I want to fucking see you this weekend, or have you stay with me. And you know why I said it's okay? Because I don't want to hear anymore about it. Just shut up. Stop talking to me, and leave me alone. If you don't care, I don't see why I'm even talking to you. But don't worry.. next time you need someone to talk to, I won't be around to listen.

if i didnt have a huge crush on you i would be a better friend.
i am sorry she dumped you tho.

Dear Heart,

Prepare to broken every day of the week from now until September 7th, 2008.
I'm sorry.

Mary loves Ikea thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much.

My cousin gave me a copy of The Sims... so now I waste all my free time living in virtual reality. It's so evilly addictive!!

OTH- 61
Blair and Chuck - 7 (spoilers)

Preview


More here @

1. My ex boyfriend really wants to get back together with me.
A. I want to get back together with him too B. I'm to scared to because of his mother. C. I kinda also like my good friend Erik.

2. Take a picture of an object that makes you smile when your having a bad day and post a comment with the picture. I'd like to see what makes you all smile =] (You don't have to be in the picture)


I'm not going to complain about not wearing any make up. At home I just don't care to.

Dear Chenda,

Happy 51 (?) months! We are older than Arun!

I look forward to seeing you more than I have ever looked forward to anything.

Love,
your man

they say paranoia is the key to guilt meaning when people are paranoid and they keep saying youre doing something behind theyre back sometimes means that they;re lying behind your back
i find this true.. very true.

dear boy,

i'm really scared. i'm still not over all of the things that he did and i am not ready for all of this yet. i just don't want to hurt you..

love,

me

 Every time my boyfriend and I have sex, he leaves me with his scent.
Literally.
It is like his skin has this specific scent and I can smell it all over myself afterward.
I LOVE IT!

But sometimes I worry other people can smell it too? (I know they most likely don't). 
It's not a bad scent either.
Nothing like that. It's hard to explain!

j,

i can't tell you what you did to me. what you do to me. i am drinking crying can't sleep can't laugh and how can i get over this? two months ago you told me about meeting her. two months i haven't been quite the same and i know it's dumb and ridiculous but like you said, i'm human-if only i felt it. i wish we'd never gotten back in contact. this all has to be some kind of deep-seated psychological shit on my part because you have a life and you're doing great and you never thought that our thing was something it's not.

we talk frequently i guess. except i'm afraid to talk to you even though you say you want to be friends. don't want to fall again. don't want you to think i'm being clingy even if i just want to talk about music or life. and cannot will not talk to you about how much i'm hurting.

i want to know when you're coming but i'm afraid to approach the subject.

you are coming, right?

r.

----

dear self,

promise you'll get out of this town the moment you graduate. you're suffocating.

r.

I'm one of those people who are so self-conscious that they can't bear to see their own name in print, so let's just skip over that one. ;) 
I'm 15, gonna be a junior in high school. 
I've been on LJ since 6th grade--this is just a new account for going more public and adding people, I suppose.
I adore music. I'm into just about every kind of music--classic and rock and dance and hardcore happy and even some pop. 
I plan becoming a musician (I play flute & compose).
I also love reading, writing, eating, watching movies.  
I'm from Israel. :] 
I'm Jewish, but my own personal religion consists of praying (/begging/bargaining haha) and going out of my way to be nice to other people (until they piss me off, that is). 
I think that's what religion should be about--treating others kindly, not discriminating against people just because they believe in a different God or celebrate different holidays. 

I get over-anxious over the most ridiculous things, but I'm learning to accept it instead of denying it--life is better when you don't spend it lying to yourself all the time. Still, I do have loads of fun when surrounded by the right people, and am the kind of person who notices things like "add men.. ow! damnit!" and messes up X-rays at the dentist's office because I start laughing at having my mouth in such an awkward position. I don't see things the way most people do. Basically, I don't really care who you are, add me! We'll have fun.

Went shopping for business clothes today. Spent $80+ that I don't really have to spend. But I'm starting work a week & a half early (tomorrow!) and I'll be dressed all cute for success!

I am Cole born(1982), and my brother is Sy(1985).